fears— Time Spiders, The loss of my heart, Memories/memory, My Body who has always been good enough, and I failed her, like being afraid of my beloved dog dying alone. And being lost. Hard to order these.
Ana Castillo
March 30, 2020 - 20:37 – In reply to: Claudia Mauro
Hard to order but step back for a moment. One will jump out at your first, then the next and so on.
By the way–is it “time,” and “spiders?” Or is there a time spider??? Yikes.
Claudia Mauro
March 31, 2020 - 00:57 – In reply to: Ana Castillo
Comma matter 🙂 Here is the first draft that came. Thank you for the prompt.
WORKSHOP
Online
She asks me to list my top five fears
Don’t think about them, just tell them, in order
Without thinking I did:
3 Time
5 Spiders
2(see 1) The loss of my heart
4 Memories/Memory
1 My Body
Who has always been good enough, who I fail,
And fail who always comes back loyal, for love,
like that beloved dog I learned to hit with a rolled up newspaper
for the mess they kept making, because
I was too young to know better than to do what I was
told, like watching a beloved die. alone
And from a long distance.
That I could just get my hands out
of my head and put my head in my hands.
For once, to carry us both. This is a strange world.
The web of it always trembling
with news from somewhere
They never showed, the workshop facilitators,
or maybe I just don’t understand the machine,
but really, who would ask for your fears when they have enough of their own?
And being lost.
That’s six, not five, but I’m afraid
of being lost when there has never been
anywhere else to be
Ana Castillo
March 30, 2020 - 20:35 – In reply to: Rafaela Ronnie Billini
That’s 4. Name 5.
Number in terms of level of fear.
See post about how to start working with your #1 fear. (Later, you may go down the list and tackle each the same way.)
Ana Castillo
March 30, 2020 - 21:00 – In reply to: brian
You may write however your most comfortable, iPad, notebook, etc.,–for yourself.
Over the next two nights if you’ve expanded on something and would like to share it please do. I don’t know how much ‘contents’ here post. If not or prefer privacy you may send to be before noon, April 1st and I will read & give you a quick reply. Part 2 of this workshop will end Wed. afternoon. I’ll be replying to comments here until 5 p.m. CST today.
What happens when our worst fear comes true? For me, I got very sick. I developed a chronic motor tic. I developed retinopathy which created a blind spot in my right eye. I developed rheumatoid arthritis. I developed Sjogrens Syndrome. Because of the tic and the blind spot I lost my sense of balance. I could barely work for a couple more years with students carrying my teaching bag from classroom to classroom. My RA so bad that my spouse had to unfold me, bend my limbs every morning so we could go to campus. My Sjogrens so bad that white tubers have poked their way into my inside cheeks; it’s part of the salivary gland.
All this because my number 1 fear came true: my father died. He got sick in 2011 and died in 2012. These problems have not left me except the retinal bleed reabsorbed. At the funeral, no one recognized me.
Ana Castillo
March 30, 2020 - 20:56 – In reply to: Belinda Bruner
Dear Belinda: First, I’m sorry for your loss and for your physical suffering. I’m not a physician or psychologist and I can’t address why your physical suffering fear is directly related to your father’s passing. However, in this workshop–facing your fears is about what you fear may, can or will happen not what has already transpired. That would not be a fear but confronting pain, loss–needing to heal. You have as #2 not fulfilling your dreams. Why not start with that one as #1–maybe it will help unravel what happened after the loss of your father and why you became so ill.
1. Loss of or injury to my children (they’re adults now but still)
2. Loss of my mother
3. Loss of my home
4. My health, any loss of functioning
5. Losing my ability to support myself
The who and what are clear in my first writing. When is 8 years ago, and how is hard to pinpoint. Why?
Why? Why is my father’s dying my worst fear? He is the only one of my two parents to tell me he loved me. He was my rock.
He taught me so many things and I went to him for advice. He loves me and he told me so. My mother cannot. I’ve always felt she hated me. That’s another story.
My expanding the five fears–Number 2
Not fulfilling my dreams. I have fulfilled some of my dreams. WHY: But recently, from experience, from friends, and from an outstanding life coach, from the support of my spouse, I have been more able to reach dreams. So I fear I may die before I fulfill several others.
WHO: Belinda
WHAT: publishing books I have written
WHEN: this year for the first book
HOW: through an agent
DeeLisa
March 30, 2020 - 21:03 – In reply to: DeeLisa
When I was about six or seven, I remember my mother warned my brothers, sisters, and me about roosters. She said they were no joke and could chase us down and peck our bellies. I was nervous about anything pecking my belly because it was softer and fuller than my siblings’ bellies. (Side note: Most of my life has been trying to rid myself of that belly.)
The stories my mother told, my older brother repeated often — “Be careful that rooster is mean. It will chase you. It even caught Alvin,and Alvin is faster than you. Alvin walked by and the rooster looked at him. Alvin took off, and then he tripped,and the rooster started to peck at this ankle, then his stomach. Alvin cried and he’s tough.”
My grandmother often slaughtered animals that were mean or not agreeable with children. This rooster killed and chased away snakes – rattlesnakes and the like – and that was important to her. My grandmother yelled at snakes and they moved away when she did, but she could not be at all places, at all times, so the rooster helped her.
That stayed with me.
Later, my mother bought a basket full of young chicks. One day, one of those chicks became a rooster named “Roo.” Roo was actually quite majestic — emerald green feather with dark black feathers to contrast the shiny green. Some parts of him had a dash of gold, but the red around his face indicated his power. Roo pecked at the side of our tents when we camped under the trees in the front yard. When legs or ankles were exposed, he went for it. Soon, even my father walked around with a rope to quick-snap at Roo. I carried a broom — at twenty-one years of age, I carried a broom and we danced this dance with a broom between us. My brother, Kris, was the only person I knew who could pick him up and pet him! Roo often relaxed and nestled into the crook of my little brother’s arm and allowed Kris to softly, gently pet him. Kris said Roo was “misunderstood.”
Ana Castillo
March 30, 2020 - 21:11 – In reply to: DeeLisa
Thanks for sharing the rooster story…not sure why it’s your number fear today since you seemed to have a handle one it. But there are a lot of rooster metaphors to men and your 5th fear is male attention.
As you move through this wonderful memoir story telling (you hooked me) can you connect these fears? All five seem related.
NUMBER 3
Never having sex again or a lover.
WHO: My spouse and I or my lovers
WHAT I have not had sex since the year 2000 with my spouse. My most recent lover died. My latest sexual encounter ended with what one can only call”a sex injury.”
WHEN before I die
HOW: I would think I would like to know when is my last sexual encounter. Like, if my spouse said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am not monogamous so there could be other chances but I would like to know so I can properly mourn. The end of sex should be mourned.
WHY I don’t know why because, now that I think about it, I wasn’t certain of the first time!
I did two that currently concern me: not fulfilling dreams and never having sex again before I die. That is all I can do in one sitting. I look forward to any other assignments. Thank you so much.
Ana Castillo
March 30, 2020 - 21:41 – In reply to: Francisco C Gonzales
Welcome–
Please look at today’s posts. There are exercises. for Fears 1-3 but you can work with any of the five on your list. The final exercise I offered has to do with fear #5
1. dying angry 2. having to return for more contracts 3. My kid ever having to feel or see half the shit I have 4. losing my mom without making peace 5. being stagnant
Top five fears:
1. Losing my parents
2. Not doing enough for my parents to reciprocate what they have done for me or others.
3. Never realizing my dreams/potential
4. Not being financially stable.
5. Regret
1. Harm or Loss of my children
2. Loss of my Mother
3. Leaving my kids too soon.
4. Giving up on the ability to love someone again
5. Giving up on myself
1. My 21 year old son’s substance issues. He is the brightest person I have ver know and the most troubled. I do not know if he will be alive tomorrow.
2. My 15 year old has anger issues which really frighten me
3. I worry I can provide for them
4. I am afraid of the cutback already made at my university
5. I am afraid I am not enough
42 Comments
Claudia Mauro March 30, 2020 - 20:07
fears— Time Spiders, The loss of my heart, Memories/memory, My Body who has always been good enough, and I failed her, like being afraid of my beloved dog dying alone. And being lost. Hard to order these.
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 20:37 – In reply to: Claudia Mauro
Hard to order but step back for a moment. One will jump out at your first, then the next and so on.
By the way–is it “time,” and “spiders?” Or is there a time spider??? Yikes.
Claudia Mauro March 31, 2020 - 00:57 – In reply to: Ana Castillo
Comma matter 🙂 Here is the first draft that came. Thank you for the prompt.
WORKSHOP
Online
She asks me to list my top five fears
Don’t think about them, just tell them, in order
Without thinking I did:
3 Time
5 Spiders
2(see 1) The loss of my heart
4 Memories/Memory
1 My Body
Who has always been good enough, who I fail,
And fail who always comes back loyal, for love,
like that beloved dog I learned to hit with a rolled up newspaper
for the mess they kept making, because
I was too young to know better than to do what I was
told, like watching a beloved die. alone
And from a long distance.
That I could just get my hands out
of my head and put my head in my hands.
For once, to carry us both. This is a strange world.
The web of it always trembling
with news from somewhere
They never showed, the workshop facilitators,
or maybe I just don’t understand the machine,
but really, who would ask for your fears when they have enough of their own?
And being lost.
That’s six, not five, but I’m afraid
of being lost when there has never been
anywhere else to be
Rafaela Ronnie Billini March 30, 2020 - 20:07
Fears
Rodents
Poverty
Homelessness
Deception Infidelity
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 20:35 – In reply to: Rafaela Ronnie Billini
That’s 4. Name 5.
Number in terms of level of fear.
See post about how to start working with your #1 fear. (Later, you may go down the list and tackle each the same way.)
Yolanda Orozco March 30, 2020 - 20:28
5 fears in order
1-parent, partner, or sibling dying
2-debt
3-failing
4-dying without accomplishing my goals
5-falling
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 20:33 – In reply to: Yolanda Orozco
So you will start the workshop with #1
See the post about that
brian March 30, 2020 - 20:34
Do we need to post our writings? Am just writing on my journal.
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:00 – In reply to: brian
You may write however your most comfortable, iPad, notebook, etc.,–for yourself.
Over the next two nights if you’ve expanded on something and would like to share it please do. I don’t know how much ‘contents’ here post. If not or prefer privacy you may send to be before noon, April 1st and I will read & give you a quick reply. Part 2 of this workshop will end Wed. afternoon. I’ll be replying to comments here until 5 p.m. CST today.
brian moreno March 30, 2020 - 21:06 – In reply to: Ana Castillo
chevere, mil gracias!
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:07 – In reply to: brian moreno
mi placer
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 20:41
What happens when our worst fear comes true? For me, I got very sick. I developed a chronic motor tic. I developed retinopathy which created a blind spot in my right eye. I developed rheumatoid arthritis. I developed Sjogrens Syndrome. Because of the tic and the blind spot I lost my sense of balance. I could barely work for a couple more years with students carrying my teaching bag from classroom to classroom. My RA so bad that my spouse had to unfold me, bend my limbs every morning so we could go to campus. My Sjogrens so bad that white tubers have poked their way into my inside cheeks; it’s part of the salivary gland.
All this because my number 1 fear came true: my father died. He got sick in 2011 and died in 2012. These problems have not left me except the retinal bleed reabsorbed. At the funeral, no one recognized me.
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 20:56 – In reply to: Belinda Bruner
Dear Belinda: First, I’m sorry for your loss and for your physical suffering. I’m not a physician or psychologist and I can’t address why your physical suffering fear is directly related to your father’s passing. However, in this workshop–facing your fears is about what you fear may, can or will happen not what has already transpired. That would not be a fear but confronting pain, loss–needing to heal. You have as #2 not fulfilling your dreams. Why not start with that one as #1–maybe it will help unravel what happened after the loss of your father and why you became so ill.
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 21:10 – In reply to: Ana Castillo
Thank you.
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 20:45
Five greatest fears
1. My father dies
2. Not fulfilling my dreams
3. Never having a lover or even sex again (I’m 56)
4. a car accident
5. Being terrorized them shot
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 20:53 – In reply to: Belinda Bruner
Please look at all the post for today. Start with prep and move on. I’ve posted exercises for confronting #1 and #2 so far. Gracias y buena suerte!
Kristina March 30, 2020 - 20:55
1. Loss of or injury to my children (they’re adults now but still)
2. Loss of my mother
3. Loss of my home
4. My health, any loss of functioning
5. Losing my ability to support myself
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 20:55
The who and what are clear in my first writing. When is 8 years ago, and how is hard to pinpoint. Why?
Why? Why is my father’s dying my worst fear? He is the only one of my two parents to tell me he loved me. He was my rock.
He taught me so many things and I went to him for advice. He loves me and he told me so. My mother cannot. I’ve always felt she hated me. That’s another story.
Time Spiders sound very disturbing.
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 20:57 – In reply to: Belinda Bruner
Glad to see you are asking these important questions–please continue writing them out, stream of consciousness, follow the thread.
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 21:00
My expanding the five fears–Number 2
Not fulfilling my dreams. I have fulfilled some of my dreams. WHY: But recently, from experience, from friends, and from an outstanding life coach, from the support of my spouse, I have been more able to reach dreams. So I fear I may die before I fulfill several others.
WHO: Belinda
WHAT: publishing books I have written
WHEN: this year for the first book
HOW: through an agent
DeeLisa March 30, 2020 - 21:03
Five greatest Fears:
1. Roosters
2. Rejection
3. germs/coughs
4.Snakes
5.Male-attention
DeeLisa March 30, 2020 - 21:03 – In reply to: DeeLisa
When I was about six or seven, I remember my mother warned my brothers, sisters, and me about roosters. She said they were no joke and could chase us down and peck our bellies. I was nervous about anything pecking my belly because it was softer and fuller than my siblings’ bellies. (Side note: Most of my life has been trying to rid myself of that belly.)
The stories my mother told, my older brother repeated often — “Be careful that rooster is mean. It will chase you. It even caught Alvin,and Alvin is faster than you. Alvin walked by and the rooster looked at him. Alvin took off, and then he tripped,and the rooster started to peck at this ankle, then his stomach. Alvin cried and he’s tough.”
My grandmother often slaughtered animals that were mean or not agreeable with children. This rooster killed and chased away snakes – rattlesnakes and the like – and that was important to her. My grandmother yelled at snakes and they moved away when she did, but she could not be at all places, at all times, so the rooster helped her.
That stayed with me.
Later, my mother bought a basket full of young chicks. One day, one of those chicks became a rooster named “Roo.” Roo was actually quite majestic — emerald green feather with dark black feathers to contrast the shiny green. Some parts of him had a dash of gold, but the red around his face indicated his power. Roo pecked at the side of our tents when we camped under the trees in the front yard. When legs or ankles were exposed, he went for it. Soon, even my father walked around with a rope to quick-snap at Roo. I carried a broom — at twenty-one years of age, I carried a broom and we danced this dance with a broom between us. My brother, Kris, was the only person I knew who could pick him up and pet him! Roo often relaxed and nestled into the crook of my little brother’s arm and allowed Kris to softly, gently pet him. Kris said Roo was “misunderstood.”
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:11 – In reply to: DeeLisa
Thanks for sharing the rooster story…not sure why it’s your number fear today since you seemed to have a handle one it. But there are a lot of rooster metaphors to men and your 5th fear is male attention.
As you move through this wonderful memoir story telling (you hooked me) can you connect these fears? All five seem related.
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 21:07
NUMBER 3
Never having sex again or a lover.
WHO: My spouse and I or my lovers
WHAT I have not had sex since the year 2000 with my spouse. My most recent lover died. My latest sexual encounter ended with what one can only call”a sex injury.”
WHEN before I die
HOW: I would think I would like to know when is my last sexual encounter. Like, if my spouse said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am not monogamous so there could be other chances but I would like to know so I can properly mourn. The end of sex should be mourned.
WHY I don’t know why because, now that I think about it, I wasn’t certain of the first time!
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 21:08
Car accident or being shot: I don’t mind dying but I don’t want to be terrorized right before.
Belinda Bruner March 30, 2020 - 21:12
I did two that currently concern me: not fulfilling dreams and never having sex again before I die. That is all I can do in one sitting. I look forward to any other assignments. Thank you so much.
Andrea Sosa March 30, 2020 - 21:12
lose of my loved ones
financial loses
famine
climate change
trump getting relected
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:15 – In reply to: Andrea Sosa
Fear#5. (world fear :-). Does it help to know that’s on all our top 5?)
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:51 – In reply to: Ana Castillo
No. (Just commiserating here.)
Stephanie Ceniceros March 30, 2020 - 21:35
OMG….my wifi went out. But Im here..
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:43 – In reply to: Stephanie Ceniceros
you can always come back–the posts will stay
Stephanie Ceniceros March 30, 2020 - 22:10 – In reply to: Ana Castillo
I’m straight lying teacher. I got in a row with my mom lol. But I’m catching up. Respect. Apologies.
Francisco C Gonzales March 30, 2020 - 21:40
5 Fears
1- Crying
2- Fighting
3- Flying
4- Caring
5- Dying
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:41 – In reply to: Francisco C Gonzales
Welcome–
Please look at today’s posts. There are exercises. for Fears 1-3 but you can work with any of the five on your list. The final exercise I offered has to do with fear #5
Stephanie Ceniceros March 30, 2020 - 21:40
1. dying angry 2. having to return for more contracts 3. My kid ever having to feel or see half the shit I have 4. losing my mom without making peace 5. being stagnant
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 21:42 – In reply to: Stephanie Ceniceros
For Fear#1 look at my final writing exercise post today
Stephanie Ceniceros March 30, 2020 - 22:11 – In reply to: Ana Castillo
On it….scrolls back. Thank you for this.
Sandy Navarro March 30, 2020 - 21:52
Top five fears:
1. Losing my parents
2. Not doing enough for my parents to reciprocate what they have done for me or others.
3. Never realizing my dreams/potential
4. Not being financially stable.
5. Regret
L.P. March 30, 2020 - 21:59
1. Harm or Loss of my children
2. Loss of my Mother
3. Leaving my kids too soon.
4. Giving up on the ability to love someone again
5. Giving up on myself
Ana Castillo March 30, 2020 - 22:14 – In reply to: L.P.
Please follow today’s post to work with your top 3 fears
Stephanie Ceniceros March 30, 2020 - 22:14
I’m low key gonna make my 4 year old do this.
Susana Y Flores March 31, 2020 - 05:13
1. My 21 year old son’s substance issues. He is the brightest person I have ver know and the most troubled. I do not know if he will be alive tomorrow.
2. My 15 year old has anger issues which really frighten me
3. I worry I can provide for them
4. I am afraid of the cutback already made at my university
5. I am afraid I am not enough